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The Finding of a Destiny
"I'm filing for divorce. I no longer love you!" The words came as a crippling blow and the safe world in which I lived and breathed rocked off its axis. Spoken last year by my now ex-wife, during the darkest time of my life, I was suddenly placed on a lonely path of self-discovery. A path I didn't want to tread.
As humans, I have learned we discover the depth of our character when faced with overwhelming odds and fiery trials. Our religious convictions and beliefs are tested day and night in such instances, even as a young recruit is tested before donning a Marine Corps uniform. This would definitely prove to be true in my case.
About ten years ago, I started studying Wicca. Such books as Silver Ravenwolf's To Ride a Silver Broomstick, Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner and Raymond Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft gave me the fundamentals needed to practice my newfound religion with sincerity and self-confidence.
As a result, a whole new world opened to me. My life was suddenly filled with vigor and magick, and the narrow beliefs I had once clung to had been dramatically changed. For example, I no longer viewed precious Earth as some planet dangling in cold space. I saw it as a living organism in with which I had a symbiotic relationship. Therefore, it was my duty as a human being to be a gentle caretaker and steward of Mother Earth. I would often volunteer to pick up trash and litter along the highways of North Carolina, where I then lived.
The code of ethics I'd discovered in Wicca gave me the ability to see the Divine in all things, especially in the people around me. I recall the year I had the privilege of visiting an orphanage in Pohang, South Korea. It was there I learned to look beyond gender, age, race and religion to see the suffering and needs of others.
Upon returning from this trip, I began working in a soup kitchen in Indiana, distributing food and clothing to the poor and needy. It was through these acts of kindness that I was able to show others witchcraft involved more than "bell, book and candle", and is a beautiful, life-affirming religion which saturates every aspect of an individual's life.
At this point in my life, I was definitely learning many things about myself and the Craft, but I would find out later there was much more to be learned. In retrospect, I believed there was nothing I couldn't achieve as a witch. I failed to see that life's ordeals are often the training ground for what work the Gods have in store for us.
The years flew by, as they frequently do, and I found myself madly in love with a woman I barely knew. Against the advice of my mother, the wisdom of my high priestess, and my own intuition, I dove head first into a ready-made family of three. Because of my over-confident nature, I almost drowned. My love didn't conquer all, and I was given a harsh lesson about man's free will to make selfish decisions, even at the expense of hurting others.
I became bitter, cynical and suspicious toward people in general during this period. I told the Goddess I had been given an unfair deal in life, and I wanted to end it all. Did I just mention the forbidden word? Yes, I did, folks. This former U.S. Marine and practicing witch was actually contemplating suicide.
I struggled with those dark thoughts for months after separating from my spouse. There were even times I entertained the thought of abusing my power as a student of magick to make my ex-wife suffer. To those who are now gasping, remember witches are human, too. We feel pain, joy, betrayal, love, hatred, jealousy and all the other emotions that make us tick. The key is to keep both the negative and the positive traits of our nature in balance. Of course, this isn't easy, but with perseverance and proper meditation, it can be done.
Continuing on my path of self-discovery, I found it necessary to do several Lesser Banishing rituals, to purify my soul of the feelings and influences remaining from my failed marriage. In addition, Ralph Blum's The Book of Runes, given to me by my high priestess, provide to be an invaluable asset to me. Having no sense of direction in my life, and feeling vulnerable and afraid, I asked the Runes for guidance. To my amazement, they spoke instantly and quite clearly to me in my first reading.
Three Runes were pulled - Dagaz, Eihwaz, and Jera. The message summed up that I must be patient and await the positive transformation which would take place in mym life as a result of my bitter experience. Furthermore, I was shown that the death of my marriage, though devastating and heart-wrenching, signified a rebirth of other loving relationships, which would help heal me. Ultimately, the Runes spoke truth.
Months following the reading, I befriended three people who'd experienced similar failed relationships and needed guidance. I offered my insight and shared with them what I'd learned through my ordeal. By helping them heal the wounds of lost love, I was, in turn, helping myself to heal.
When the pain and anger would try so desperately to resurface in my life, the Ancient Ones countered in my head, "An it harm none, do what thou wilt, my son." At other times, "Ever mind the rule of three: what you send out shall come back to thee." Were these warnings, or simple caring words from the Lord and Lady?
They proved to be both. As a caring parent may train and advise a child in the ways of the world, so the Gods were guiding me in their gentle, mysterious way. They began to teach me Wicca was truly a way of life, and not mere words spoken during re-dedication at a New Moon rite. I came to see the code of ethics I had been initially taught was not cheap, superficial words practiced when convenient, but strong pillars upholding my Wiccan beliefs even in the worst of times. Apparently, I had missed that point during all those years of studying the Craft. Wicca and the magick which encompassed it had, up until my divorce, been simply academic to me. I knew magick only in theory, not practice.
The Gods saw to it I learned a valuable lesson through my hardship: that they loved me and would be with me through whatever problems I would face in my life. In addition, I learned I am responsible for the power I wielded and I am held accountable if I misused it.
The pieces of the puzzle had finally come together. As in the case of the Runes, the theory or fundamental principles I had learned about Wicca in my earlier years could be applied in practice as I sought direction in my life. These days, I watch my spiritual growth with a keen eye. Each day I designate two hours for religious reading, meditation and prayer to the Gods. I remain active in my Pagan community and fulfill my role as priest and teacher to those who are seeking.
As I look back, I can see the gentle hands of the Goddess guiding me through that gloomy valley which seemed to overwhelm me at times. She often spoke to me, softly reassuring me of her unconditional love and the purpose she had for my life. Even though I still experience disappointments and make mistakes, I can smile now. My existence, which was carved out eons ago, has meaning and fulfillment. To seek wisdom and growth, to serve others in kindness and love, to follow the Gods of old... This is my destiny - the destiny of a witch.
- Bekas Greywolf
*****
Bekas Greywolf is a member of the Pagans of the Woods Coven and the Midwest Pagan Council, living in Northwest Indiana.
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